August 3, 2019
Day 2 of writing something for posting every single day and I already am not sure how this brain will generate enough of interest to maintain. But somewhere deep inside there is a reservoir of words waiting for reconcilliation with the world. Notice all those Rs and Ws?
I guess now’s as good a time as any to write about a struggle.
Ugh I hate admitting to the world these things that I find shameful in myself, but here goes anyway.
Planning for this trip one objective was clear – detox from consumable information and activities that are over stimulating or mind numbing – because hey I really need some authentic chilling not just drowning out the stories in my head. Email is quickly forgotten, social media is reasonably easy to ditch (especially because I still get the dopamine push when using a work account), texting is a bit more challenging to relinquish, but the real big fish in the pond of my current distractions is TV.
I feel like a dirty whore saying that, even though if being a tv addict made me a dirty whore then being a dirty whore wouldn’t even be derogatory because pretty much most of my human comrades would also be dirty whores as we’re all involved in this sordid affair.
Just to be clear, I don’t really like using dirty whore because I don’t approve of slut shaming but for some reason it’s the first phrase that came out and I don’t want to censor my own mind, however un-PC.
So TV. I’m not an all day every day of every week-month-year user. I’m what you call a nightcap user. Granted I do have periods of time wherein I binge watch the F out of something unlikely to be worth the energy spent keeping me alive during the binge. Those periods usually coexist with massive delusional avoidance, paralizing anxiety, depression, or cramps. I guess at the time of writing this, I was experiencing a little bit of each of the first three.
I don’t like talking about this.
Since March I’ve gotten into a shared habit of watching TV every day. Every single day. It makes me want to vomit. How did this happen? What’s up with its origin? On coming up here I was like – NO TV. Awesome. There isn’t likely to be one in an RV, so nothing to worry about. HOWEVER, a TV is a lot like a microwave or a flourless chocolate cake or cocaine – if it’s there I’m gonna use it. (I don’t actually use cocaine. But I imagine if I’d gotten into it I’d feel that way about it. For me it’s totally against my ethics to use a substance that incurs so much bad karma in its processing, distribution, and sale across borders).
I have relatively little impulse control when it comes to dopamine.
Ok so I watched some tv since I’ve been here because it’s there and I’ve been exhausted and wrangling some indescribable emotions and detangling the cords of my life and, well, I really needed to decompress. Zone out. Stare and not think. Except I think all the time. I’m a critical consumer. But it doesn’t always stop me.
Today I did a bunch of stuff early and by 3 I was so tired I fell asleep in the trailer without the air conditioner on after it has been sun blasted all day long and probably was about 100 degrees inside. Waking up groggy and disoriented, all I wanted was to follow along in the visual story of a show I don’t even think is that good, albeit VERY popular, but guess what.
The network is down. Yea there’s wifi here too. It doesn’t really work on my iPad or phone which is probably good, but it does work on the TV, which is bad, or at least it did until today.
Actually the network isn’t down, it just isn’t connecting. I’ve reentered the password about a hundred times, and in a certain moment realized I was fiending for a fix to keep all my demons at bay. Unable to secure a connection with the correct password, I debated asking my friend about it. But Jesus Candice don’t be a pain in the ass. Actually the thought of asking was so sickening that it was a short lived idea. Until my friend’s husband came to get a game or cards or something, and I had my chance to inquire without too much intrusion. Except I did end up intruding because they have a guest in town and he spent valuable time trying to fix the tv.
After some time we still could not get it to work.
That’s when I remembered I’m supposed to write something every day that I can post on one of the blogs.
So I sat down to write and here I am.
This trip is bringing me face to face with some stuff I’ve been either denying, minimizing, or forgetting for a long time. Ignorance is bliss and all, until you realize you’ve not only been in denial about an addiction but you’ve been denying yourself peace and purpose. Hiding behind the tube gets me no closer to any of my objectives in life than does sitting and staring a blank wall. But come to think of it, befriending blankness would probably get me closer – because I wouldn’t be shutting myself off from insight and inspiration.
Another word to make clear. I really enjoy provocative, compelling, inteligent film. Not all TV is bad, but most of it is. That’s a judgment I’m just gonna throw out there. Most TV is bad. It is a highly addictive consumable that also happens to be completely legal, and that’s because its a tranquilizer – and when we have been mentally subdued and confuse it with relaxation, we are a thousand times more susceptible to being unconsciously programmed to buy more, do less. We are told we’re too tired don’t have enough time that tv is a cure because doesn’t this feel so good you aren’t thinking at all about a shitty day at work or your weight or your in-laws or grades or that person who rejected you.
That’s what TV does. And I’d be letting it do it to me right now just to not be asleep and not be awake, but the Universe has other plans for me and I hope to the cosmos the Firestick won’t light for the rest of the time I’m here doing this thing.