I’m keeping this here as a reminder of how far I’ve come.
Ack. So frustrated right now but so need to get something written. Today I’ve wallowed in a procrastination station that seemed barred from the outside but as usual, the only bars were self imposed. I hate it when that happens. When I run out of excuses and have to make an effort to get away from my own mental shit-storm of absenteeism from life. Can’t blame anyone even though my feelings have (very recently) been hurt. Can’t hide because eventually I’ll find myself. Can’t avoid creating my life because I’ve come too far and know too much about my own reasons for walking this Earth.
So it sucks not being able to jump into the well of avoidance, escapism, fear, mood swings, men who are bad for me, an amber colored liquid. It sucks because all of that is waaaay more comfortable than these microscopic steps I have to take toward self sufficiency, every one as irritating as a Texan back yard under my bare feet.
I had big plans for today and I got in my own way. Fortunately I’m learning that sometimes you just have to DO without THINKING. Pour the wine you made from lilacs you picked in Oregon without giving the bottle another sniff or the contents any meaning. Leave the house now without considering the probably poor quality of whatever you’re going to do today because of above mentioned feelings and resulting confusion!
I poured yesterday, I left today, and here I am wanting to complain about all the things that are really challenging my terribly spoiled life instead of just being grateful as fuck for sitting in a beautifully designed library, using a 9 year old Macbook, and drinking swiss water processed decaf coffee. Meanwhile I’m purchasing a graphic design app, for which I have to go through a VERY GENEROUS friend who has put me on his family plan so I can listen to all the Apple Music I want, non stop, for free. Because I’m seriously that lucky.
Thank God (Let go and let God) I just had my memory refreshed because I kept standing at the edge of the well thinking about how slow my computer is, how rickety my car is, how regretful it is to not have internet at home. Now that’s out of my system, I can get to work. I think I’ll leave this mess of a brainstorm so that you can see how I process and get motivated, again.